mental health + we’re pregnant

It has been awhile since I’ve posted anything. It’s been a rough couple of months. That’s just being honest. And I’m never honest with myself. To start things off, we are now two. That is right, we’re pregnant and currently at 21 weeks. I started writing a few pregnancy related blog posts a few months back because I wanted to share this experience with you guys and make memory of it. But those are clearly not posted. They are saved drafts that feel kind of pointless to share since it’s from so far behind. Mental health is something so personal to each of us. We’re all struggling with something that we’d rather not talk about. I feel awkward opening up like this, but I did say I wanted to share my pregnancy experience with you guys. This part feels just as important to share despite how unexpected and uncomfortable these feelings have been. And I’m tired of pretending like this pregnancy has only been happy.

To give you guys a little back story, we found out January 31. Once we found out, I was scared that we would suffer a miscarriage. Negative of me I know but that explains why people wait after 12 weeks before revealing the news. Subconsciously I think we all fear a miscarriage at some point after a positive pregnancy test. Fast forward to now and it has hit me that this IS happening. I’m going to be a mom. We’ll have this little one to take care of and I live in fear of my new role as a mom. It scares me to think that my kid is stuck with me for a mom and I’m just not good enough. He deserves so much more. Even now, I worry that I’m not doing enough while he’s still growing.

Started experiencing this around April and after I came to the conclusion that I genuinely felt unhappy with myself and everything going on around me, I looked for some answers. I learned that prolonged sadness/anxiety can have a negative effect on your baby. And your chances of postpartum depression are increased. That definitely added to my list of worries, but I attempted to look past it. I mean it’s gotta be the hormones. I have been very up and down with my mood lately. But when I found myself in this dark place of self worthlessness and consistently unmotivated, I felt trapped. I was miserable and I wasn’t sure why. Also lacked so much motivation. I love the feeling of being busy. Having so many things to do at once is super helpful in keeping my mind busy and my mental health in check. But that wasn’t helping either. So many things piled up and I spent lots of time alone doing absolutely nothing, but thinking. So I decided to look for some help. I figured it was worth asking instead of this potentially hurting our little one.

Note to self, don’t look up your symptoms online.

I made a call to my OB and it was taken care of right away. I see her every 2 weeks now. We hear baby’s heart and check in with my mood. I was prescribed some medication for the depression and also given referrals to therapists. I made the effort and took my meds. I called to meet with a therapist. Things were going to improve.

I planned a beach day with Ryan on May 27. Before that day, I wanted to change plans, because I didn’t have it in me to enjoy anything. I suggested to just lay in bed and watch movies because I’d rather do nothing, even though we are aware that that hasn’t helped lately. We still tried though. Swimsuit on and everything.

We were about to head out and then I had this overwhelming feeling that something was wrong but I wasn’t sure why or what. I could not stop crying and my chest felt heavy. I just knew that I didn’t want to go at all. Felt like nothing would be able to turn around how I feel about myself and what’s to come. But any chance I had to say anything I couldn’t find any words. I wanted so badly to explain these thoughts but nothing made sense and thinking about it seemed to make me feel worse. It felt like I had so much to say and it’s been stuck inside for so long that I couldn’t let it out.

The thought of hurting myself came to mind. I won’t get into details of that because I’m not looking for ANY sympathy here. Please don’t feel bad. I will say that in that moment I wanted to feel anything else other than this overwhelming feeling and it wouldn’t have been the first time. But after much thought, I made a call to my OB again. Even though there are other people willing to help such as Ryan and my mom, the last thing I wanted to do was worry them.

We were advised to go to the ER which felt like a little much for something that seemed so small but her judgment has always been one of the most important ones to me so we went. Maybe I could find some answers. Ryan came with us and I’m grateful for that because he has been so supportive. I’ve been so unhappy and he still tries to help.

So we walk in and I’m about to check in. But someone forgot his phone in the car. Not a problem of course. But while I’m checking in and he’s getting his phone, they call me in immediately. Now we are fully capable of handling hospital visits on our own. However, this visit is for my mental health and if I didn’t have to be alone, then I wasn’t going to be. So I was very eager to ask if he could come in with us. The anticipation of waiting for him might’ve almost killed me though.

We were confined to one room with surveillance cameras surrounding us. I was checked with a metal detector and striped from my jewelry. Not a day goes by without my jewels so I was a little sad about that. We did get to see the little one though. And of course he’s fine. Moving all over with his little heart beat. Always helps to see him. Although we waited awhile after that for me to speak to a psychiatrist. Answering her questions which progressively made me uncomfortable. I hate feeling so vulnerable.

She suggested I see a psychiatrist regularly so I was given a referral to one and look into anxiety related meds. I will spare you the 20 questions that were asked but one thing she did ask is if I felt that I needed to be hospitalized. I told her no. At the time I wasn’t sure what to do. I knew that I struggled most being alone and I wasn’t alone there. But right before we got there, I was still struggling and I was with Ryan at the time. So I can’t say what triggered my minor panic attack. If that’s what you would call it. If that happened at a time that I was alone, then I would blame it on the fact that I can’t be alone and would’ve said yes to stay.

Also I thought that I was all cried out from the day with Ryan and at the hospital but I still had some left in me when I attempted to tell my mom of the day. She asked why? And I said because I’m not ready and I wouldn’t be a good enough mom. Quickly bursted into tears after that. Goes to show you that sometimes you need a good cry and a hug from the right people.

It’s been a few days since that day. And it’s been bothering me not knowing what triggered that day. Also bothers me knowing that I ruined what was supposed to be such a fun day with my love. I had a therapy session today (which is when we’re currently writing this) and something interesting that my therapist mentioned was that my feelings of anxiety and worry could span from much longer in my life than just in this pregnancy. That plus pregnancy hormones could be what’s making this difficult to cope with.

My trigger could be this pregnancy. And everything I fear is based off the fact that we are expecting because it’s what I am constantly and currently thinking about.

Earlier I mentioned that I worry about his health now while he’s growing. We had our ultrasound 2 weeks ago and that confirmed he is healthy. We saw him again on this visit and he’s still healthy. But that is never going to be enough for me since I wonder what a new day will bring for him while he is still growing.

There’s lot of things that I fear with this pregnancy. The recurring thought that I wouldn’t be a good enough mom comes to mind often. Not the kind that my baby deserves to have. I’m always going to be afraid that anything I do won’t be enough for him. Earlier on that day, Ryan asked if I was scared about having this baby. And I think I am. Doesn’t mean that I have any regrets. Just means that I feel more worry/fear than excited. Which feels like a problem given the lack of motivation and how little I think of myself in terms of “being good enough.”

My mom tested positive for covid and it crossed my mind several times that if I have it too then our baby’s health might be at risk. Also really sucked to be away from her considering she’s done so much in attempting to help my mental state and there wasn’t anything I could do to help her. Fortunately she remains okay today.

Another thought is the idea of going into labor scares me. I hate not knowing exactly when it will happen and what to expect. Everything has to be planned and if the delivery of this baby is not on a schedule, it’s going to be another thing that I’ll be worried about until it’s all over.

Let’s say delivery goes well, I wonder what it’ll be like after. Aside from being deprived of sleep. I have the most supportive boyfriend. The best family willing to help, but if either of them are better capable of taking care of the little one than me then that’s going to feel like a huge disappointment. I know this is my first but I want to feel just as capable to take care of him too.

Something else is that I remember being concerned with the fact that I wasn’t showing yet. I wanted so bad to show the baby bump and now that we’re starting too, I almost feel insecure. Which is crazy. Part of me feels like I prefer my pre pregnancy body better. I went from 0-100 in terms of showing and the change overnight took me by surprise.

Also I’m still in school. That takes a lot of time and money out of me that would be better off for our little one. He is the priority. I wonder if it’s selfish of me to be so concerned with finishing something for myself now when that’s not even the first priority anymore.

Another thing is that there is constant talk about the baby. Essentials for the baby. A possible baby shower. A name for the baby. Asking how the baby is doing. I’m not even entirely sure how he is doing myself aside from his heart beat and the little movement that I can feel which I’m told is good enough. But regardless it’s all been overwhelming.

As of now, we’re seeing a therapist, a psychiatrist and the dosage on my depression meds have been increased. Also still continuing to see my OB every 2 weeks to reevaluate my mood and check baby’s heart. Also I do want to say that I’m so grateful to have Ryan and my family’s support. I can’t say that enough and I’m not exactly easy to be around with. I owe them.

I’m not sure if I’m going to post the earlier pregnancy posts. I do want to share as much of the real of this pregnancy I can but I also want to share the happy moments. There are a few. So I might post them. If this post helps any of you who are also struggling, pregnant or not then this post is definitely worth it. If it wasn’t for this little one, I wouldn’t have ask for help.

Be braver than me and ask for help for yourself. And if you’re also expecting, taking care of yourself is taking care of your little one too. So I’m told. Attempting to believe it myself.

So we will see you in the next post very soon. For real this time.

L.A