This year has been a whirlwind. Lately, I feel like many factors in my life have come to the surface and I haven’t been dealing with or balancing it well. I remember when I first started this blog, I wanted to share real life experiences no matter how vulnerable or honest. If you know me in real life, you will know I’m not an open book. I have the hardest time expressing my feelings and have always felt ashamed to feel anything but happiness, even if it’s not real. Now I can be extremely moody and easily irritable which is a factor as well at times, but it’s all fun and games until a situation becomes serious and to discuss and/or correct.
This year I have been experiencing some chronic back pain, I quit my job, I discovered that I’m the “soft” parent, I have been subconsciously prioritizing my education over parenting, and I have accepted that I have negative self talk embedded in me for years.
I’ve discussed these issues with those that are close to me and my therapist of course. They’ve shared their advice and given me some reassurance, but I also don’t feel like I’ve fully accepted that these issues as truly issues. I also hope that by opening up like this can help any of you to do the same. Maybe you can relate to some of my problems or it can even serve as just knowing that not feeling okay is okay too.
The first thing to discuss is my chronic back pain. I’ve been experiencing upper/mid back pain since December 2023. It hasn’t been a long time at all, but it has been considered undiagnosed/chronic as in I’ve had multiple tests done to figure out the problem and all tests come back normal. It’s consistent dull, achey pain that becomes sharp if I move or twist my body suddenly or often. Rest and a heating pad had become my lifesaver for awhile. This pain also comes with other symptoms such as fatigue, muscle weakness, tingling sensation, shoulder/arm/leg pain. I’m someone that needs to know how and why something is happening, but there is no injury or fall that explains anything and ultimately it became frustrating to not know what it is or why it is happening. I had many doctors visits, multiple tests done such as an x-ray, CT scan, and MRI. I had been prescribed many kinds of medications from muscle relaxants to nerve pain medication. I went to physical therapy. These treatments did ease the pain, but nothing fully resolved it. At the end of May, I took 2 weeks off of work unexpectedly. It started with an emergency room visit, which looking back now, i feel like that visit had more to do with how this pain made me feel mentally versus physically. In those 2 weeks, I obsessed every day over what this could be. I had open tabs in my phone and laptop on my symptoms and possible diagnosis. I felt trapped just wondering if I’ll will ever find a diagnosis.
I was referred to a neurospine specialist which she then referred me to a physiatrist, which is a medical doctor who specializes in the field of physical medicine and rehabilitation. It’s like a combination of physical therapy and pain treatments such as medications/injections to be as pain free as possible. This is where I’m currently at in this process. This experience has been draining and it makes me realize that I shouldn’t take my physical health for granted. I haven’t been as active as I would like to be. I don’t carry lincoln as much as possible. I was doing less hours at work which resulted in me quitting. Back pain is not the only reason why I left but it has taken a toll on me to physically do my job and mentally, the unknown has been very bothersome. I don’t know the cause. I don’t fully know what this is and it prevents me from just living my life more often than not. I will often reconsider going somewhere or doing certain activities, because I might be in worst shape after said activity. I feel for anyone living with chronic pain or illness. Whether it is undiagnosed or not, there are illnesses that are not curable and that is where that thought comes into mind where I have to tell myself that I still can and should live despite the pain. There are considerations that this pain might be stress/anxiety induced which I still think is crazy but definitely possible. While this is still ongoing, we will revisit that possibility though.
Circling back to quitting my job. I’ve worked in retail for over 7 years now. I did not expect to be in retail for as long as I have been but here we are. I did quit due to my back pain due to the physical demands. There are other big reasons though. I don’t feel passion for retail. I have said that I was there to get through my education, but it’s been over 7 years. If I don’t leave now, then I never will. I was also a sales lead and with that position comes needing to be flexible with your time and I realize I need a more of a set schedule to maintain a routine with Lincoln, which seemed impossible in that position. Retail management in general is not good at all. I’ve gone through multiple store managers and none have shown that is all about the team as a whole and not just whatever the company wants. The necessary sales goals are unrealistic and it is physically demanding for being so underpaid. Not to mention, no benefits. As a sales lead, I felt immense pressure to show up often and get so much work done. Of course, I would get done whatever was needed, but I always felt guilty whenever a schedule change would pop up and I couldn’t be there earlier or stay late. A college education is pretty gruesome, but I still felt bad saying I needed time for my school work. Retail has made me see that I can be a people pleaser and I don’t know if it was right to leave so abruptly but I do feel some pressure off my shoulders from quitting.
Since I quit my job, I discovered that I am the “soft” parent. As in it is incredibily difficuly for my child to take me seriously when being disciplined because I let things go and he is very aware of that. I talked about this with my therapist and she used the words “relaxed” and “flexible” rather than “soft” and I do prefer her choice of words instead. Although it is crazy to see me as either, because I fuel on stress (negatively) and cannot relax for the life of me. As for flexible, I can’t stand when plans fall through or spontaneous plans in general. It is so strange to believe that when it comes to parenting, I’m considered as “chill.” The main reason why I was bothered by this was that I want to discipline Lincoln when I need to and for him to take me just as serious enough to listen. Often times, I would get incredibly irritated or flustered when he wouldn’t, because I noticed that he would listen to others such as my parents, or Ryan, or his parents and he wouldn’t listen to me. Every situation seemed to be a fight when it was me telling him what to do.
Now Lincoln is only 2 years old. He is a toddler and toddlers can be frustrating and a little annoying to all of us at times. This is where we need to practice patience and for me I need to remind myself that it’s not me. Sometimes I’m not the problem. I saw an instagram reel saying that most kids display their worst behaviors to their mother, because they feel comfortable showing that side to us. I don’t know if this had any truth, but I’m choosing to believe it, because if I’m noticing of this pattern that Lincoln is best behaved around others and not me, then I need to know that I’m not the issue.
Something painful that I’ve learned and accepted about myself this year is the negative self talk and my lack of self love. To put it blunt, I do not see anything good about myself or deserving of good things to happen. All of us experience some level of low self esteem or uncertainty in our abilities. However for me, it seems extreme. I will not move any aspect of my life forward, because I assume the worst and live in fear of my own disappointment. It’s already imprinted in me that I will not succeed or that I’m not good enough so I settle. Earlier, I said that I have been in retail for over 7 years. Even though, retail is not the most ideal in the long run unless you’re going to be a store manager and we endure more than we’re paid, I was okay with it, because it was comfortable. I have big dreams and goals that I don’t pursue, because “it won’t work out.” This mentality could kill me especially since looking at the positives now is harder than ever.
Going along with this, I have also noticed that my education is at the top of my list of priorities. Including above Lincoln, which is terrible. This was never intentional. I believe that you can accomplish anything else in life even as a parent or with a FT job or both, but no matter the situation, if you have kids, they should always be first. I think this is also part of the reason why I’ve been so frustrated with all things parenting. My mind is so consumed with my education and getting to the finish line, because “I will be happy once I graduate.”
Considering I have such extreme negativity, I was proud at the fact that I have been continuing my education and have every intention to graduate. As time gets closer to graduation, I feel as if I won’t make it which slows down my motivation and productivity. The best thing I can do is to tell myself that I will make it instead of psyching myself out before it even happens.
This was my little life update. I think I’ve rambled enough, but I am making baby steps to live more positively and less stress so be on the lookout for an update and some tips or what I find works for me!
In the meantime, I will see you in my next post 🙂
Sincerely Salty Hair 