Today we talk about postpartum. And I wanted to share my postpartum experience. Other than adding this to my digital journal. It may give you some insight on what it’s been like for me so far. And what you might expect.
I never thought of preparing for postpartum. Is that even something people do?? I was so focused on pregnancy and labor/delivery the past 9 months that I figured once Lincoln was born, I would finally be okay. But there has been lots of ups and downs so far that I both expected and didn’t expect at the same time.
Coming home from the hospital, I was feeling good mentally/emotionally for about 2 weeks. I was on a HIGH. I thought, I can do this. I was lacking a lot of sleep already, but that didn’t bother me at all. At least not yet. I did feel defeated at the hospital after my first two sleepless nights. I am not joking when I say that I didn’t sleep at all. It was definitely the fact that any sound coming from Lincoln would keep me up. But also the nurses coming through every hour to check blood pressure or press on my stomach (which was no fun) or help me use the bathroom would also keep me up. Buut after being sent home I was just so content and excited to have Lincoln here.
One thing I wasn’t prepared for was my recovery physically. I was so swollen. Sore. Very uncomfortable and in so much pain constantly. My stomach felt like jello. I had 2nd degree tearing from birth and honestly I only felt comfort sitting on the toilet with my peribottle. Or even just in the shower. Also had those cooling pads to put in my diaper pad (literally) for some relief. Basically square cotton pads that were both damp and cooling and you just place them in. It was a process getting in and out of the bathroom. I would be on the toilet for a while before I realized I was taking too long. But I’m not kidding when I say how painful it was and how much relief I felt in the bathroom. I would get so teary sometimes. I never expected it to hurt so bad and I’ve heard that not everyone tears during birth. How though ?? Seriously need answers.
Besides sitting on the toilet, I would try to take walks around the house, around the neighborhood with and without Lincoln. Also had a giant jug of water that I was always refilling. That helped me stay very hydrated which was super helpful to pee because it would burn so bad between the tears. So I increased my water intake by a lot. The hospital gave me an ice pack that I used constantly. Sitting or laying down was a little bit more bearable with the ice pack on hand. I’m pretty sure the ice pack bag is still floating around here somewhere.
I was bleeding for about 5 weeks. Gradually became less as the weeks went by but I had to wear like max pads up until I was blood free, because it was so heavy in the beginning that I got very used to it. Also wore t-shirt dresses or shorts every day. There was nothing more comfortable to put on especially for the tearing. Also currently experiencing postpartum hair loss. I’ve been very in denial about it but now I’m having a hard time ignoring the clumps of hair coming out of my head. So now I’m taking some measures to fix that ie. vitamins and actually taking the time to just brush out the tangles. Finding the time to take care of myself with things like that has never been more difficult as of now but you have to find the time somehow. Makes yourself feel good and it’s equally as important to look after yourself as well. (I’ll be sure to update on the hair loss situation.)
I had my 2 week follow up appt. I took one of those patient health assessment tests. Basically asks you a question about your mood and you answer not at all, most of the time, etc and then it gets scored. Anything over an 8 is not good. Happy to report that I didn’t score that high. Honestly don’t remember my score but I do know it wasn’t anything serious because I’ve scored high enough before and that leads to a conversation with a psychiatrist and a much longer appointment. But this time things were really looking up. I was feeling good about it. Oh and the tearing was finally starting to feel much better. Thank god.
I mentioned earlier that I took some walks around the neighborhood. I’m missing those walks. I fully believe that fresh air is just so good for you. It helped my mood. It helped me bond with Lincoln. It helped me not feel so trapped at home. And I needed that with adjusting to motherhood which had been rough at times. Anything to make it feel like a breeze was so helpful and I feel like taking the time to get outside really contributed to that. I was also grateful to have plenty of maternity leave even before I went into labor. I left September 10 and didn’t give birth until October 6. And then I was home from that time until the middle of December. Could’ve gone longer honestly because I feel like I’m still adjusting but still grateful I had a good chuck of time before and after birth.
A few days after my 2 week appointment, I was feeling exhausted. They say you should nap when baby naps but I never grasped that concept. If I couldn’t sleep at night then I guess I wasn’t ever going to sleep. (Please don’t follow that) And Lincoln is not a terrible sleeper at night at all. He wakes up only once every night. That’s pretty good for a baby but I still found myself not being able to sleep after feeding him.
Around this time is when I crashed. I couldn’t sleep at all. Not even a nap. Being really tired made me super irritated. I was also so frustrated in general about many different things. Whenever Lincoln was being fussy. Not knowing what he needed when he was upset. Being unsure in my abilities as a mother. Watching everyone else thrive with looking after Lincoln. Almost as if I was doing everything wrong. Learning to accept the current state of my body. Post baby body feels so different from pre baby body and I was feeling insecure.
The transition into motherhood was becoming difficult for me and I wasn’t sure what to do half the time. And there’s no manual on taking care of a newborn. I mean that would honestly be helpful. Learning to balance the needs of myself and Lincoln was tough. Simple tasks become impossible to achieve and anything that you can get done is a win. No matter how small. I can’t neglect myself but at the same time, Lincoln is priority. His little life is in the palm of my hands and theres a voice in my head telling me to not mess this up. It’s hard to be the best mom you can be when you give so much of yourself to someone who needs you the most but then you aren’t able to take care of yourself too. Or im so tired that im irritated which makes for certain things harder than it needs to be and I’m not good company, not even for Lincoln.
The beginning of November I was feeling sick. It wasn’t covid but I still wasn’t feeling good. Sore throat, chills, headache, stuffy nose. I did get a Covid test done so I can confirm that it was negative. Of course being sick in general makes it hard to take care of a newborn. Looking back I’m pretty sure the reason for me getting sick was having no sleep at all. Even now I still struggle with sleep.
There was one night I was so tired I broke down in tears. Literally balling on the floor with my knees to my chest. And to make matters worse Lincoln was also crying. But I was so paralyzed with my own tears to even begin to calm him down. I am grateful to have such good support around me. Between my mom and Ryan, I have help whenever I need it. Both with Lincoln and myself. On that night, Ryan took such good care of us. Calming down Lincoln and making me feel okay by reassuring me that I’m doing more than okay as a mom. Though I have a hard time believing it, I’ve tried my best to believe him. Probably might need more reassurance along the way. Already have needed it a few more times since that night honestly. But he never seems to mind when I need it. I hope it stays that way.
At 6 weeks things were slowly getting better. This is when I got my IUD at my next appt. I recently got it removed though. I personally didn’t love it. It didn’t help my mood. I was losing my appetite. I was bleeding and cramping more often than not. It felt like I was on my period on and off everyday and I know it needs time to adjust but I was over it within a few months already. Also I was convinced that it was the reason that I was experiencing pain in my stomach. So I was panicked and got it removed. It wasn’t the reason for the pain though. So currently on the pill and the best part is that my period is now lighter and I’m on it for less days.
I’m still going to therapy and everything that I just talked about here, I’ve talked about in therapy. I try to talk about things with Ryan and with my mom. I don’t think that it’s ever going to feel easy to talk willingly about my feelings but the effort is there especially when I can acknowledge that I’m having a rough time and should talk about it. I am grateful to have had therapy. Been going since April and it does help.
Since the day I found out that I was pregnant I’ve been worried about lots of things throughout those 9 months up until now that therapy continues to help me in some way.
One being good enough as a mother
Another one would be protecting Lincoln at all times. It was actually so much easier to do so when I was carrying and yet I was worried about wondering if I was protecting him enough while pregnant
Also been worried over how a new addition would affect my relationship with Ryan. Been hoping that it’s a good shift in our relationship.
I could go on for hours, but trying should be enough. Every day is a new chance to try again. I can protect Lincoln as much as I can but the world is scary and I can’t live in fear of possible bad things that could happen to him now or in the future.
This new addition has been so good for me and Ryan. Yes we do fight. We’ve had fights before and will probably argue about something else some time soon. I wouldn’t want to relive any of the past arguments, because some of them are heavy topics to talk about and those are the kind of things that you wish you could forget.
But we do get mad at each other. And sometimes we don’t speak, but we still get through it. I feel like if we didn’t try to fix our problems then we probably wouldn’t be together. Although it’s not exactly easy to throw it all away over a few fights when we always come back to each other.
Currently I am recovering from a recent surgery. Basically I had to get this cyst removed since it was damaging my ovary and one of my tubes. Which those are now removed too. So I’m home for 2 weeks. No work. No driving and the worst part is no holding Lincoln. (This goes back to earlier when I mentioned weird abdominal pain. Pretty sure this is what was causing it but it still wasn’t completely diagnosed.)
This surgery has left me with two scars to add to my post pregnancy body. Can’t pretend like I’m not insecure about it because I am but also this body carried 6lbs of human life so I’d say it’s worth it.
It’s been 1 week so far and I’ve realized a few things. First off, it’s currently 3 am and I’m laying here not able to sleep. This is around the time that Lincoln wakes up so even when I don’t have him, I still can’t sleep. It’s been hard not being there for him. I can’t take care of him like I used to and he doesn’t even know why.
I’ve also noticed that I feel this insane pressure to be a good enough mom. Like I said, it’s been a rough transition. But I’m trying and that should be enough. I still feel the pressure and it weighs down on my shoulders pretty heavy most days like I should be doing more or need to be doing more. But regardless of how I feel, that shouldn’t prevent me from enjoying things and being happy around the people I love. I could probably spend so much time throughout the day thinking of ways I could be better but certain things like Lincoln’s firsts can’t be missed. I’m a parent for the first time and I’m going through things that I’ve never had to do before. A lot of those things are good things so I should make sure I take advantage of that. And Lincoln won’t be this little forever so I also have to really soak up every day with him.
Also I find that I compare myself to lots of moms. Through social media. People that I know. Strangers with their kids. 2 months after I gave birth, I read that this new mom gave birth completely natural like no epidural which she is most proud of and she’s also breastfeeding which I am not. I thought for such a long time that having an epidural was such a bad decision on my part. I lasted so long without it at the hospital. So I wonder if I could’ve gone without it through birth but honestly I didn’t want to and that’s okay. There’s no shame in whatever you decide to be comfortable during labor. And as for breastfeeding I did try. Unfortunately that didn’t work out, but things don’t always work out. There’s a reason for it. It doesn’t make me any less of a mom.
Nowadays I’m more so better than not. There’s always going to be a time where I’m worried that I’m doing something wrong or not enough for Lincoln but that’s okay. I’m sure every other parent feels that way. So my therapist tells me. I’m just gonna have to keep reminding myself of that.
I hope this post helped you in someway. Whether it has given you some insight on postpartum in general/what to expect. It is rough in every way but it does get better. Or hopefully this post has given you a new perspective on therapy. I know that it has helped so much for me. And I was so skeptical about it in the beginning. I didn’t believe it would help. Even just having the support of people around you. People that want to see you happy. It’s good to have at least someone to talk to. I try to do just that as well. I feel like sharing experiences like this are so helpful to others. So I’m hoping it’s helpful to anyone that needs it.
Until the next time I talk to you again.
-L
Sincerely Salty Hair 