Meet Lincoln

10/6/21

Today is the day I write this post. Today is the day I tell you about my baby boy’s birth. Couple months back I hit a dark place and found myself unhappy being pregnant. Thinking about it now I wish I never felt that way. On October 6, I met my mini me (literally). And I don’t think i could put into words what meeting him was like. So a month later here we are writing his story for the next addition to my digital journal. And for any of you struggling with the idea of labor/delivery because that was me struggling not too long ago. And I was once reading through other peoples’ birth story hoping to ease my own anxiety. If you’re wondering if it helped. The answer is yes and no. It was super helpful to hear other people’s stories but you won’t know what it’s gonna be like until it happens to you.

At 5 am on a Wednesday morning is when I was experiencing consistent contractions. Aside from that I had to pee multiple times that night and found myself bleeding by the last bathroom break. It was safe to say we were in labor.

I arrived at the hospital with my mom. I was 4 centimeters dilated. Two straps were attached to my stomach. One for baby’s heartbeat and another for contractions on the monitor. Prior to being here, I had been nervous for this experience to come. Not knowing exactly how this was going to play out made me very anxious for most of my pregnancy. But walking into that hospital didn’t seem so scary anymore. I felt calm. I was hopeful this experience would end up being okay. I rested my head back on the pillow as we were waiting to change rooms with those exact hopeful thoughts lingering in my head.

One thing was missing though. And that was for Ryan to be there. Told myself I wouldn’t be able to do this without him. So I’m just staring at this blank screen on my phone waiting for him to tell me that he’s on his way.

I was admitted to my room. I met so many people at once. The doctor delivering my baby. The nurses. A few student nurses. A midwife. The anesthesiologist for my epidural.

I had my blood drawn. A covid test done. Which came back negative. Blood pressure was checked. An IV was put in.

Oh but the good thing is that by this time I finally heard back from Ryan so instead of staring at my phone, I was staring at the door to my room waiting for him to walk in.

Prior to this day, I was having lots of lower back pain. Within the span of 5 consecutive days of back pain. My last appt with my OB was the day before I delivered. I mentioned the back pain and apparently it’s considered a sign of labor. It’s no surprise that we delivered the next day. Also took a walk around my neighborhood to speed up this process. I’d like to think it pushed us into labor but I can’t confirm or deny that walking induces labor. I think it does though. Maybe. I don’t know.

So 2 hours have gone by and I could barely speak. Contractions were getting really tough and I was sweating. I attempted to change positions to get comfortable and distract myself from every contraction. I went from sitting up to curling up into a fetal position on my side. Actually try to visualize that. My pregnant self hunched over on my side. If I’m being honest I didn’t look that pregnant but that little description just doesn’t sound comfortable. It wasn’t and no it didn’t help with the pain. On a scale of 1-10 pain level was at an 11. But I don’t think I have to tell any of you that. So now we’re just waiting for my epidural. I mean that was the plan but I kept a straight face with the contractions for awhile. I knew I wasn’t going to go through this without an epidural though. And that’s ok. It’s tough bringing a little human out in the world. I held on to Ryan’s hand the entire time though. Squeezed his hand with every contraction.

One of the nurses looks over at me and tells me that once I start feeling pressure I should call them in right away. I thought, easy enough. I can do that. Feeling completely calm and in no pain at all. I wish I could say that I could’ve done this without an epidural but if there are ways to minimize my pain then I will take it. It was one of the few things that made this experience less nervous for me.

It was around 4pm. I was feeling some pressure. I could feel a little bit of the contractions again and already I’m feeling a little nervous. Like there’s no way that this is really gonna be happening any minute. Dr checked me out and I was 10 centimeters dilated. So guess what?? It’s time. Time to push a little human out of me. I mean I can do that. I say that with little confidence in myself and I should’ve thought of myself as so much more than that at the time. Everything and everyone was moving so fast though.

I look over at my mom and Ryan as the doctor and nurses were preparing for my delivery. All the newborn things were out and ready. Everything was happening so fast. One of the nurses turns to me helping me with some practice pushes. If I’m being honest I never took a class to prepare for the pushing portion. I did a lot of reading and research but I never took the infamous Lamaze class. So these few practice pushes was my crash course.

Pushing felt easier than expected and I say that because I used to be so terrified that something would mentally break me and I wouldn’t be able to push. Those few practice pushes made me realize that I have everyone here to help me and this is just the next step to meeting our little one.

So I’m about to push for real this time. I keep my eyes closed. Easiest way for me to remain relaxed. My mom is holding onto my leg waiting to witness the arrival of our little one. I cannot tell you how long she has been waiting for this moment. For a grand baby and to watch him be born. Ryan is right next to me. To say that I was ready for this would be a lie. I could only picture this moment in my dreams. If you told me over a year ago that I would becoming a mom and in this position with the love of my life, I wouldn’t have believed you. I still can’t believe how lucky I got.

After a few pushes the doctor told me to lay on my side as much as I could. Wasnt sure why but if I’m in the middle of pushing out human life I’m not gonna question it. So I’m on my side and at the last push I could feel this little babe coming out of there with full force. I will tell you why that is in a second.

The doctor put our baby on me for half a second. He wasn’t crying. He wasn’t breathing and the doctor immediately takes him away. And this rush of people start coming in to save his little life within minutes of him just being born. I’m in tears. I look over at Ryan and I can’t hold back any tears at all. I mean we couldn’t do anything for our baby besides wait.

I was already crying because I just did that. I was so exhausted. This little one just officially made me a mom. And I say that I wasn’t ready for this but I have been waiting for this moment to meet this little guy. I mean I have loved him since the day I took that pregnancy test.

Only took a matter of minutes to finally hear him cry. Sweetest sound. For now at least. Ryan did tell me that he was gonna be okay but of course I’m gonna worry. One of the nurses put him on me and he was just the tinest little thing. He was so content in my arms. His eyes were wide open and I’m still crying because this is our first time meeting him and this makes us a little family. Safe to say my wish came true. He is okay and I have my sweet little family.

He was 6lbs 13oz and 19 inches. Born 4:28pm. We call him Lincoln.

I might be a little teary right now writing this just thinking about it.

I have a son.

I’m HIS mom.

I have to say that a few times a day because I still can’t believe how true it is and how lucky I am.

So earlier I said that he came out with full force because I got some really bad tearing. When he came out I felt it sting down there, like I could feel it actually rip apart so fast. And according to my mom, Lincoln came out with one arm up right next to his head. He took his arm with him on his little journey. My doctor spent about 45 minutes stitching me back up. Thanks to my mother for being so observant.

Despite the level of anxiety my pregnancy gave me, this ended up being the best experience. And I would do it all over again for Lincoln. Of course there’s a part of me that is always gonna wonder if I’m enough to be Lincoln’s mom. Birth is scary but what comes after, being a good parent, raising a good kid is also so scary. So we’re just gonna take it day by day.

I left the hospital on October 8 very sleep deprived already because every breath Lincoln takes I can hear and wonder if he is okay. I guess that is already being a good enough mom??

Almost didn’t finish writing this post because it’s a very common thing to write out your child’s birth story. But Lincoln needs a permanent official spot in my digital journal. And since this experience wasn’t so scary after all I’m here to tell you that you can do it too. Being a little scared or a little worried isn’t so bad. And if you’re currently scrolling through other peoples birth stories I hope this one finds its way to anyone who might need to know that it all ends up okay.

Until the next story time.

-L