Currently in my feels. Could be because I’m about to start my period soon. I just love being a girl, you know. Going through a break up and I have come to a few realizations lately. I grew up as a dancer. I told myself that I would make it as a dancer someday and there’s just something in me that can’t let that go. The best thing about a breakup is that you realize how important it is to look after you. For example dance continues to live in my dreams and now I want it to be a reality. I realize how much I really want it now.
One of my friends and I got matching tattoos that say “love yourself first.” and then on Facebook I read this post that said something along the lines of, “you can never be happy in a relationship if you’re not happy with yourself.”
I got the tattoo during my relationship and I read that post after we broke up. I’m not saying that neither of us weren’t happy in our relationship. The only reason why we broke up was because he unexpectedly moved and long distance is tough. But I do believe that we both should have the chance to go after our dreams. Even if that means we’re apart. One of the things that he told me was that he needed a change like he needed to find himself or something. So he felt like he couldn’t do it here.
I don’t know if any of you guys believe in signs but the tattoo felt like a warning sign like there are certain things you should strive for and if you’re not happy with the results or where you are, mentally, financially, career wise, etc then you’re not completely content with yourself. And the Facebook post was like the answer to all of it. Like we’re both missing something that can’t just be filled with another person no matter how happy we were. Surround yourself with people that make you happy but you’ve also gotta ask yourself if you are happy with being around yourself. I guess it was right for us to break up regardless of how much I wanted to hold on to him.
I miss him so much. There’s a lot I wish I could tell him right now and the worst part is that I can’t even tell him that I miss him. For awhile I played our relationship cool like “don’t have such expectations for this guy” because “all guys are the same,” but he proved me wrong. He was better than any other guy and I kept denying it. It’s not wrong to keep your guard up because you should be picky when it comes to dating. Not everyone has good intentions. Not everyone is worth your time.
Part of me believed that he was the one. He ALWAYS used to say that I was perfect for him like I completed him. That statement definitely took a turn but then again I don’t know how he really feels about that now. We broke up over long distance and the last time we talked he said he would come back home but he doesn’t know when will that be. He though that it wouldn’t be fair for me to stay together if he can’t really be there for me. I will give him credit for being adult about this. Making a decision like that by setting me free. He handled this much better than I did, but that’s another part of the story for another day.
Do I believe he will come back? Of course I do. But we aren’t together so I don’t expect anything from him which IS a relief. I don’t want to spend every day wondering if it’ll feel the same. Or how long it will be till he does come back home. That’s exactly what I would be doing if we were still dating. Texting and phone calls will never be enough at that point.
I am writing this post as a form of reflection and as a way to remind myself and anyone else that it’s okay to not be okay sometimes. I am always going to miss him. I’ll never forget those flowers he left on my car. I’m always going to remember our first date. And our first kiss in his car. And as pathetic as it might sound, I still have his promise ring. I don’t think I’ll ever get rid of it despite how much I want to. And I would want to because of how frustrated I was with him throughout those 3 weeks of being apart before officially breaking up. Again another part of the story for another day. For now I’m going to say it’s okay to hold on to the ring. Even if it means that’s the only thing I’ll ever have of him again.
Sincerely Salty Hair 